Bursting at the Seams
by AngelisIgniRelucent
Summary: <html><head></head>a series of unrelated drabbles relating to various quotes from the end of season four and season 5, so mild spoilers alert! they're all actually 100 words! THIS FIC IS OFFICIALLY DEDICATED TO 'SUPERNATURALRENEGADE' AND HER AWESOMENESS!</html>
1. Done

"_I'm not mad. Don't explain yourself. I don't care. What do you want me to say, that I'm disappointed? Yeah, I am. But, mostly, I'm just tired, man. I'm done. I am just done."_

_And you are done. You feel so done and there's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can bring yourself to want to do._

_How? How could your baby boy have turned into such a monster?_

_All the secrets, the lies, the angry, sharp-edged accusations. The hatred. It's not even that which kills you inside. No. it's the fact that you can't bring yourself to care._


	2. Bitter

"**Stop bossing me around, Dean. Look. My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you because you are my brother. Now I'm asking you, for once, trust me."**

**You've never thought of yourself as bitter, but as these sharp-edged accusations fly from your mouth, you think, maybe you are.**

**You justify it to yourself. You have every reason to be. Your mother's death was your fault. Your father exploited that fact. He hated you.**

**Your brother loved you. The past tense stings. He doesn't any more. He can't. How can he?**

**You're a monster.**


	3. Gone

"Sam's gone. He's gone. I'm not even sure if he's still my brother anymore. If he ever was."

And, as nonchalant as the mask that covers your face is, you can feel your real face cracking as you say it. You can feel it ripping itself to shreds, falling apart, imploding, exploding, _dying_.

Because you are, you're dying.

You always knew this day would come. The day where you had to forsake your own flesh-and-blood. You always prayed that you would die first. But you always had a hunch that you wouldn't.

You never thought dying would be like this.


	4. Doubt

"What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam."

You doubt that. That you could _ever_ forgive Sam.

That you could _ever_ be without your too-deeply-ingrained guilt-anger-confusion

That paradise would be paradisiacal. You saw too much in Hell for you to believe in Heaven.

You doubt that this planet is not worth saving. That there is only pain here. You remember this thing called love.

But you know that it has long since forsaken you.


	5. Justice

"_It's OK, you don't have to say anything."  
>"Well, that's good. Because what can I even say? 'I'm sorry'? 'I screwed up'? Doesn't really do it justice, you know? Look, there's nothing I can do or say that will ever make this right-"<em>

_But you've got to try. Oh God, you've just _got_ to try._

_And you're trying _so hard_ to make this right._

_But what can you say to him? What can you do to convince the only man you've ever loved that you aren't his enemy?_

_Even after causing the beginning of the end of the world._


	6. Pretence

"**I tried, Sammy. I mean, I really tried. But I just can't keep pretending that everything's alright. Because it's not. And it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother-" **

**How can anything ever be alright after that?**

**I mean, sure, you've been acting like nothing happened, but that's just cause you have a job to do. Head in the game and all that.**

**But you don't think you can ever forgive him. You don't think you can ever hold him again like you used to.**

**And that breaks your heart into a million pieces. **


	7. Dependence

"I would give anything – anything – to take it all back."  
>"I know you would. And I know how sorry you are. I do. But, man … you were the one that I depended on most. And you let me down in ways that I can't even …"<span>

Imagine? Conceptualise? Envision? Not even in your worst nightmares – and believe you me they were _bad_ – could you possibly have imagined this. This betrayal.

But what hurts you more than the betrayal is that now, now you're hurting Sammy. Your inability to forgive is agony for him.

How could you hurt him so?


	8. Unworthy

"I just don't … I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know? I just don't think I can trust you."

Those words. You never thought you would ever hear those words. Not from those lips.

It's almost enough to kill you. Just that single sentence is enough to strip you back entirely. Down to the bone. Now your insides are laid bare for the world to see. For _Dean_ to see.

And you're scared. Oh God you're terrified that what he sees there won't be the pure white of apology.

That it will be Black.


	9. For You

'_I killed two angels this week. I'm hunted. I rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you,' _because I love you.

_'And you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world. And I lost everything,' _except you.

'_For nothing,' _except you.

And now I am left here, on this strange planet, with nothing, _nobody_, but you. Cut off from Heaven, from my brothers, my sisters, my Father. All for you.

Because you are more than just my charge. More than just my duty, my responsibility. You are my whole life now.

You are all that I have left.


	10. Three Little Words

'**You think I'll take one look at a demon and suddenly fall off the wagon. As if, after everything, I still haven't learnt my lesson.'  
>'Well have you?'<strong>

**Three little words. Just three little words that have the ability to break you. Why is it that he has so much control over you? So much power?**

**Why is it that you have this incessant need to please him **_**all the time**_**? That everything you do, you do it for **_**him**_**? To make him proud?**

**After all that, how is it that with three little words, he can knock you down?**


	11. Fight

'I'm in no shape to be hunting. I need to step back, 'cause I'm dangerous. Maybe it's best we just...go our separate ways.'  
>'Well, I think you're right.'<br>'I was expecting a fight.' 

You weren't really sure if you were expecting a fight, but you were hoping-pleading-begging-praying for a fight. Because at least that would have meant that he still cared about you. 

The pain in his grass-green eyes told you that. You knew that he was nothing if not practical, and _certainly_ not sentimental. But still. It would've been nice for him to put up a fight. 

For you.  
><span>


	12. Never

'I'm sorry, Dean.'  
>'I know you are, Sam.'<p>

And you _do_ know it. But God knows how much you wish it was enough. Enough for you to be able to forgive him. Enough for you to be able to trust him again, _love_ him again.

But God also knows that it's _not_ enough. And he knows that you believe it never will be. How can it be? How can a simple 'sorry' ever be enough?

_Enough: adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. _No, an apology is _never _going to be enough.

Ever.


	13. Soldier

'_You don't stop being a soldier 'cause you got wounded in battle. Okay? No matter what shape you're in, bottom line is, you're family. I don't know if you've noticed, but me and Sam, we don't have much left. I can't do this without you. I can't. So don't you dare think about checking out. I don't want to hear that again.' _

_Bobby, I … I don't think I could bear it. In case you hadn't notice, I haven't exactly been feeling loved lately. Everyone seems to be leaving me. Mom, Dad, even Sammy. You?_

_You're all I have left._


	14. Lie to Yourself

'**Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. You're not hungry, Dean, because inside, you're already...dead.'**

**And, if you weren't already defeated, you think those words would've defeated you. **

**And, if you weren't already broken inside, you think those words would've broken you.**

**And, if you weren't already dead inside, you think those words would've killed you.**


	15. Dad

'I used to be mad at him. I—I mean, I used to... I used to hate the guy. But now I—I... I get it. He was...just doing the best he could. Truth is, um, my dad died before I got to tell him that I understand why he did what he did. And I forgive him for what it did to us. I do. And I just—I love him.'

I love _you_. And I pray to God that you remember this moment. That you remembered it before the bitter end.

That you knew that I loved you.


	16. Later

'Okay, this is it. See you on the other side. Probably sooner rather than later.'  
>'Make it later?'<p>

Oh God, please make it later. You don't think you could bear it if you died knowing that it was futile. That you hadn't saved his life.

Because that's the only reason you can muster up the courage to smile right now instead of crying and screaming. Because you're telling yourself that you're doing it for him. You're dying for him.

But then, you decide that you don't mind dying, because he kisses you, and you're pretty sure you're already in Heaven.


	17. Please

'_Please … I can't … I need some help. Please?' _

_And you're begging, really you are. You don't think you've ever begged for anything in your life. But now you are. And it's for your Sammy, of course it is._

_And you've never felt more vulnerable in your life. You've laid yourself bare for the entire world to see. For God to see._

_It's not like you've used up your quota of prayers. It's not like you haven't tried already. You've tried so hard._

_So why is it that the one time Dean Winchester asks for help, there's no reply?_


	18. Heaven

'**We're supposed to be a team. It's supposed to be you and me against the world, right?'  
>'Dean, it is!'<br>'… Is it?'**

**But the question you're asking in your mind is 'how can it be after this?'**

**The night he left for Stanford was the worst night in your – well, not life because it was the worst night in your death too. The worst night in your entire existence.**

**The night he chose getting away from Dad over staying with you. That night has haunted you more than your nightmares from Hell.**

**Yet, somehow, it's his idea of Heaven.**


	19. Prayer

'Prayer – the last hope of a desperate man.'

And that's what you are these days – a desperate man.

You've never been religious – how could you with all those pesky angles on your tail? But you hoped, you _prayed_, that maybe God wasn't omnipotent.

Perhaps He simply doesn't know what the angels are doing. Perhaps He doesn't know that they're planning to destroy His beautiful creation.

Of course He doesn't know, you told yourself. If He knew, he would've done something about it. How could He just stand by and watch His people burn? He couldn't. Surely He couldn't.

Could He?


	20. Burn

'You son of a bitch. I believed in …'

you trail off awkwardly. What was the point in telling your father-who-doesn't-care that you believed in Him? All it would succeed in doing is giving Him a vindictive satisfaction.

Why? Why would He bother creating so much just for it to burn?

Perhaps that is His form of fun. Perhaps He finds it enjoyable to create worlds, races, lives, hopes, and then to rip them all away. To watch them burn.

You want to hate Him now – He doesn't care if the humans burn.

He doesn't care if Dean Winchester burns.


End file.
